As you can tell by my infrequent posts, I'm sick of talking about cancer. I'm sick of thinking about it...there are days I wished it never touched my life. I guess it's not uncommon to feel that. But when cancer struck me a second time, in a much more serious and scary way, I was bound and determined to be positive about it, to make that time, as frightening and painful as it was, be worth something. I wanted to feel renewed and have an eternal optimism for life.
All in all, yes, I'm very positive, and yes, I love life. But there are days I just don't want to play in the cancer sandbox any more.
As my husband has to remind me periodically, I don't have cancer anymore. It's gone. They took it out. That's why I had a mastectomy, changed my body...and whether I acknowledge it or want to acknowledge it, it changed me.
But I'm done with that now. I'm ready to move on. Except visits to my doctor every three months (although the reports are good!), and now a recent visit to my plastic surgeon to finally discuss reconstruction options, I'm done with this. These visits keep reminding me of this insidious disease. Heck, looking in the mirror reminds me of this disease! Still, I have to believe I'm done and there's more to do.
So, where do I go from here? How do I cope? I started this blog with the idea of providing encouragement, hope and a positive attitude. But there are times when I get tired of thinking about it all. I just want to be a "normal" person again. I guess in many ways, I have yet to adjust to my "new" normal...whatever that may be.
Of course, I could be in this frame of mind because I'm about to have a "job" change -- and 2011 is going to be totally different. I get to do what most people can never imagine doing... I get to pursue my dream full time. I'm currently serving as vice-president for ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers...check us out at www.acfw.com), and my term ends at the end of December. I've stepped back from most of my other volunteer things, and with the exception of a few paying contract jobs, I am free to write starting in 2011. Whew...that's exciting, yet daunting, in a lot of ways. I'm just hoping and praying I have the stamina and gift it takes to complete a manuscript or two!
It's weird... sometimes I feel like I cope better with things that are out of my control. Like getting cancer. I HAD to have surgery, I had to deal with poking and proding from doctors...and yes, while it's a roller coaster ride, you know you have to go along for that ride.
Now, things are back in my control, so to speak (as a Christian, I know God is in control)... but with my writing dreams: I have to sit my butt down in my chair every day and have my hands on the keyboard and get to work...creating and writing, even when my muse has abandoned me and the last thing I want to do is create and write. It's then I have to remind myself that when it flows, the writing is so sweet and there's nothing else in the world I want to do. I have to trust that God gave me this gift, so He'll use it for His purpose. Even that knowledge doesn't make it any less scary or intimidating.
This is my chance to live the rest of my life. My cancer is gone, and by God's grace, it's gone forever! Now is the time to follow my dreams, not procrastinate and not waste this life. So, while I'm tired of talking cancer, maybe it's purpose is to lead me to this next phase...the "pursuing my dreams" phase. And if my writing is fuller and deeper, and helps just one person in any part of their own life journey, then it's worth it all.
Okay, 2011 -- bring it on. I may have to detour for more surgery, but the reconstructive kind, so that may be positive in the long run...then hopefully the writing will come, the words will hit the page. Who knows, maybe that will be reflected through this blog as well. Shall we continue on this journey?
Keep on truckin' everyone!