The thing about writing a blog is I'm supposed to be open and revealing with my feelings. Well, that's something that isn't always easy for me. (My hubby and kids may disagree with that!). I try to be a very positive person, and not one who complains all the time. It's rare that I show when things aren't going well. Part of "Living life after cancer" is that although you're so happy to still be here and loving life, there are feelings and emotions from the past that can back-up on you.
Right now, my husband and I are very blessed. Things are going well for us, we're buying a wonderful new home, and things are good. So, why is it during this time that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? I HATE that! I don't want anything to steal my joy right now. Life is precious. Why waste it waiting for the bad stuff to happen? I hate the cancer has brought that to me.
There are days, like one I had recently, when the feelings of what we were going through a year ago at this time hit me hard and backed-up on me. The fear that I felt came flooding in, overwhelming all the good that's in my life right now. As a Christian, I almost feel guilty about having that fear in the first place, when I firmly believe that God is in control.
On this particular day, my sweet husband could tell something was up with me, and he encouraged me to quit fighting it, and to go with the flow. Let the feelings come. If that meant breaking dishes, having a good cry, or whatever, just go with it. You know, there are days where I wish I was the drama-queen type and I would totally lose it and smash every dish in the house. But that doesn't work for me. However, talk to my husband, kids, or anyone who knows me well, you'll know that I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm frustrated, and when I'm being blessed! It is the one way I let out my emotions. When you tell me to go with the flow -- look out! That means tears will be flowing.
When hubby encouraged me to let it out this day when my fear and feelings backed up on me, I sat there and had a good cry. God and I also had a few words through all of this, and for a few days after.
Of course, my husband was right. Instead of stuffing my feelings, my tears actually washed them away. So did talking to God. I don't want fear to overwhelm my joy. It's a terrible way to live. It was time to put that fear at God's feet and just trust. Sometimes that's so difficult to do, but it's something we must learn to do.
I'm not saying I won't have difficult days in the future. I'm sure I will. I just don't want to waste my joyous days worrying about what may or may not happen down the road.
For me, that's what trusting God is all about. I may still have my ups and downs, but as long as I trust Him, and enjoy every single blessing that He gives us, then we'll get it through it. And guess what? Before you know it, you'll have many more happy days than you do the tough days.
And I like these happy days!
Keep on truckin' everyone!