What Drives You?

I need some help and advice, friends.  I'm pondering a question or two these days.  I want to know what drives you?  Or to put it another way, how do you know what your passion is?

And has your passion changed?  What if you strived for something for years, and then found yourself wondering if that's really what you're supposed to do?

I guess I'm directing this more to those of you in the arts: writing, music, dancing, acting, etc.  But it could be applicable to any vocation.

It's always challenging to go for your dreams.  It's a lot of hard work.  But when do you know when it's time to try something else?  Are you afraid of giving up too soon?  Or do you know when to face the realization that maybe you're supposed to be doing something else with your life?

For example, if you're an actor  -- you have a passion for acting.  But how long do you go along doing Shakespeare before you discover that you're a better comedic actor?  Or that you might be a better director or writer than actor?

I know we should pray about it.  I know we will just have a gut feeling.  But sometimes that gut feeling isn't as specific as we'd like.  Or God hasn't provided that neon billboard that says "Go this direction" instead.

So, I'm full of questions today. How do you know if you've found your passion?  What drives you to work so hard?  Even on the tough days or the discouraging days, are you anxious to get back to work to follow your dreams?  How do you know?

Questions, questions, questions!  Is this what happens after you turn 50 years old?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, advice or comments.

No Offense Intended

I'm a little behind in posting today. I've been thinking about so much the last few days... I guess birthdays have a way of doing that.

In planning my birthday, the topic of RSVPs came up.  In this day, a lot of folks don't take the time to let you know whether or not they will attend your gathering.  I don't know why that happens.  It really is okay to tell me "No," that you can't make it.  Trust me, I won't be offended.

RSVP is just a courtesy so we know how many people to plan for and how much food to buy.  (Incredibly, not matter how hard we try, we always buy too much food! :)

Anyway, back to the RSVP discussion.  Some were a little offended and unhappy with the lack of RSVPs.

But I choose not to be offended. I didn't take it personally.  Those who didn't attend my birthday party weren't out to offend me. 

People are too ready these days to be offended.  To twist any wording as a personal offense.

When did we stop taking people at their word?  When did we stop trusting others?  I guess the bigger question is "When did everything become all about me?" 

Are we so self-focused that we're ready to take offense, ready to have our feelings hurt, ready to create drama when there really is none because we think it's all about us?

That takes so much energy!  Why not take people at their word, trust that they are your friends and care about you... even when they don't do things the way you'd want them to do it.  Even when they fail to RSVP, or fail to call you once a week, or fail to do whatever you think they should be doing.

My attitude is to stay positive, to trust, and to feel confident that my friends care about me. And realize they don't have to tell me every five seconds in order for me to believe that.

Choosing to be positive takes a lot less energy, a lot less time, and generally makes you feel happier in your day to day life.

I hope that doesn't offend you.

My Re-Birthday

My birthday is coming up this week… and it’s one of those BIG birthdays. A milestone.

Whether we like it or not, birthdays keep coming. How do you celebrate your birthday?  Do you dread it – knowing there are a few more wrinkles or more gray hair? Do you just feel “old?”  Or do you say, “Thank you, God. Thank you for my time here, serving you.” 

I am a 2-time cancer survivor. My last diagnosis four years ago came two days before my birthday.  And let me tell you, something like that does change your perspective about your birthday! Suddenly my age didn’t matter. In fact, on my birthday, I didn’t think about the number, about how old I was turning.  What originally had been “uh oh, I’m making the turn for the downhill slide toward 50”, very quickly became “I’m too young.”  I’m too young to be faced with another bout of cancer that could kill me. There’s so much more I had left to do.

Since then, my birthdays have become my “re-birthday.”  A time to re-dedicate myself to Christ. A time to say: “Am I doing what God wants me to do here on earth? Am I dedicating myself to God in my everyday life, in how I live my life? Is His light shining through me?”

Hebrews, Chapter 12, verse 2 says very simply: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.”

But we know we’re all sinners.  There are days when we fall short.  Yet as Christians, we know if we ask, God will forgive us and wipe the slate clean.  Does that mean there aren’t any consequences for our actions?  No. We know better than that. Sometimes what we do can leave scars.

Now, I’m real familiar with scars. Almost 30 years ago, I was in a motorcycle accident.   

Riding on the back of my then-boyfriend’s bike on a wonderful summer day.  A pick-up truck turned in front of us and we had nowhere to go.  We slid sideways into the truck.

I had a compound fracture of my right femur and ended up having four operations on my leg. As you can imagine, that left a scar—quite a long one – that goes from my knee all the way up to the top of my leg.  My husband calls it my zipper.

Now, I have more scars across my chest.  There are two ways you can look at scars. It’s easy to look at scars and believe they’re ugly and disfiguring.  With scars, you know you’ll never look the same way again as you did before.

Or you can look at scars as a sign of strength and survival, as God’s blessing.  You may ask yourself “What? Scars as a blessing? After the trauma that caused them?”

Yes, scars are a blessing.  My scars tell me that I’m still here. That God carried me through those surgeries, and that He has work for me to do here on earth. 

 

There’s a wonderful old hymn, written in 1922:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will go strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

So, on my upcoming birthday, as I reach my milestone of 50 years old, I’m not going to moan about my gray hair, or the deepening of my crow’s feet.  I want to have a re-birthday. I want it to be a celebration, and a re-dedication of my life to God.  He gave me this life, and I want to use it for His purpose.

I need to remember that God is always there, even through the dark times. As I mentioned, my last diagnosis came two days before my birthday, which was a Friday.  I was at home and grappling with the emotional side of being told I had cancer again.  Then the mail came.   

There was a package from my mother – a birthday present.

With tears still in my eyes from hearing the devastating cancer news, I opened my present.  Inside was a silver necklace. And on it was one word:  BELIEVE.

Mom later told me she doesn’t know why she sent me the necklace.  It had been a gift to her.  But she doesn’t wear silver…ever.  So, it was just sitting in her jewelry box, never to be worn. As my birthday approached, Mom thought she’d send it to me, not knowing it would arrive on such an awful day.

Although I was facing a long journey with cancer, and another birthday, there, in my hands, was a reminder to stay strong and believe.

Believe that God has a plan for your life. Enjoy every moment of getting older.  You can’t go back anyway.  I’m excited to see what God has in store for me.  So, on my birthday, or any day, I want to take time to thank God for my life and to re-dedicate myself to Him.  To really dedicate myself to what His will is for me.  I may show a few battle scars from life, but if my eyes are focused on Him, then His light will shine.  His light is more beautiful than any cosmetic I can apply anyway.  It’s not just a birthday; I want to have a re-birthday -- focused on Him --- and just BELIEVE.

So, how will you celebrate your next birthday?

 

Dream a Little Dream…. Heck, Dream Big!

I thought one tennis-related post would be enough, but after watching the results of the Wimbledon Championships over the weekend, I couldn't resist one more.

Every player who enters Wimbledon dreams of winning this tournament. It is arguably the most elite, most coveted of all the grand slams. The century of tradition and great moments make it a very special place.

This past Saturday, Marion Bartoli and Sabine Lisicki played for the women's championship. All the top seeds were gone and neither of these ladies had ever won a grand slam tournament. It was a great opportunity for both players. Marion won. She played steadily and with confidence. And as well as Lisicki played during the tournament to reach the finals, even beating the #1 women's player, Serena Williams, the occasion of being in the finals of Wimbledon was too much for her.

But Marion Bartoli was a class act, and showed that she remembered what it was like to be in Lisicki's shoes. Bartoli was the runner-up to Venus Williams in 2007. It took her six long years to even reach another final. And she was determined not to blow her opportunity. But she had only kind words for Lisicki and encouraged her for future appearances at Wimbledon.

Then the best moment in sports, in my opinion, happened.

 Image from http://www.dailynews.com/sports/ci_23610659/marion-bartoli-wins-first-womens-wimbledon-title-over

After all of the pomp and circumstances of the trophy presentation and photographs, the two women walked off the court arm-in-arm, smiling, savoring their time on Centre Court at Wimbledon. Bartoli demonstrated that she didn't forget what it felt like to be runner-up. She was clearly basking in her own victory, in her own dream coming true, but she didn't forget, and she made sure Lisicki knew how special it was just to be there, right where they were, playing in the biggest grand slam tournament in the world. I hope we see these two women a lot in future tournaments, and that they always show the class they exhibited on Saturday.

Then came Sunday, and the men's final. The weight of an entire country was on Andy Murray's shoulders to win Wimbledon and become the first man from Great Britain to win their home tournament in 77 years. But he had to face the #1 player in the world, Novak Djokovic in order to do this.

Both men had been to the finals before. Novak was victorious in 2011. But Andy…. He was in tears in 2012, as the great Roger Federer beat him last year. But I have to believe those tears made yesterday's victory over Djokovic all the sweeter. Novak knew how sweet this was. But you know he was disappointed not to win. However, his on-court comments were full of congratulations to Andy and this accomplishment.

These men did not walk off the court together. Novak left the court fairly early… leaving the moment for Andy and for Great Britain. To me, that showed as much class as Bartoli did the day before. If you follow tennis, you know the moment was huge for Murray, and Novak understood that and left so Murray could bask in his victory. But Djokovic will be back. You know he will.

These are examples of respect, and for encouraging someone in their dreams.

My dream is to be a writer, a writer with several books published. It's a dream that takes hard work. These tennis players achieved their dreams by YEARS of hard work, training, hours and hours on the tennis court and in the gym.

I've watched as most of my friends have succeeded and had books published. I've hugged and shared with them the joy of receiving that phone call from an editor or agent, saying their book was accepted for publication. I've stood on the sidelines and watched their dreams come true.

And I've genuinely been happy for them. Yes, it stings a little, because I haven't yet achieved my dream.

But like Murray's tears from 2012 that made this year's victory all the more sweeter, my achievement will be sweet, and in God's timing. And maybe Sabine's tears will make her moment sweeter when it comes.

My time is coming. And while I'm on this journey (and let's not forget the importance of the journey, not just the destination), my friends, published or not, continue to encourage me in pursuit of my goals.

We can all take a lesson from tennis, from the respect and sportsmanship that was demonstrated over the weekend.

As a Christian, I hope my actions always demonstrate Christ's love to others, even when I don't understand what God is doing in my life.

So, tell me, are you encouraging someone else to dream big? Are you watching someone else's dreams come true, and celebrating with them even if you're still struggling with yours?

Photo courtesy of lifeshiftingseasons.com

Can you imagine the impact of this world if we all were encouragers and cheerleaders for each other?

I dare you to dream big, to cheer someone else on in their dreams, and let's watch what happens from there.

The Game of Tennis and Respect

Most anyone who knows me, knows I'm a big fan of tennis. The grand slams are my favorites, although I watch as much as I can whenever I catch a tournament on TV. (And no, I really don't play much tennis. I'm just a spectator).

Right now, arguably the most prestigious of the grand slam tournaments is being played: Wimbledon. I've been watching tennis since Bjorn Borg was king of Wimbledon in the 70's. John McEnroe was coming on scene. Jimmy Connors was a crowd favorite, and in the women's game, there was the great rivalry between Martina Navratilova and Chrissie Evert.

This year's Wimbledon has been by far one of the most surprising I've ever watched. The top three seeds on the women's side are out. The draw is wide open for a new player to win the whole thing. On the men's side, Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer lost early in the tournament. All the media had them slated for a big quarterfinal match up. But Rafa was gone in round one and Roger in round two.

At Roger's post-match press conference, he handled his loss with grace and class. He also said something that stuck with me. He talked about how the media already had him and Rafa in the quarterfinals, and now they were both out of the tournament. He told the press that they need to show more respect to the other players in the draw.
One of the reporters asked another question and mentioned the other players wanting more press coverage. Roger interrupted him and said not press, but respect.

Respect is getting difficult to find these days. It used to we could have a gentleman's debate. We could agree to disagree on issues (any issue) but still respect the other person. Now, it seems like if we disagree with someone, then we're "haters." Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I can disagree with your beliefs or lifestyle and still respect you, still care about you and still love you. You can disagree with how I live my life, but I hope you'll still show me respect as a person.

I think I love the game of tennis because at the end of the match, the competitors must shake hands. They must show each other sportsmanship and respect. Some players are better at doing that than others. But I like that the players can compete fiercely on the battlefield of the tennis court, leave everything out there, and still shake hands with their opponent at the end of the match.

Have we lost the ability to do that in day to day life? We may fight our battles, but do we show respect for the other side? If Christ tells us to love one another, then to me, that includes respecting everyone as people, whether you understand or agree with their beliefs or not.

How can the game of tennis teach us to respect each other? How can we translate this into our every day lives?

Friendship and the movie "The Four Seasons"

I'm dating myself, but one of my favorite movies is "The Four Seasons" from 1981 with Alan Alda, Carol Burnett, Rita Moreno and more. The movie is about three couples, all in their 40s with college-aged kids, who vacation together and share their lives together.

My favorite line in the movie, which strikes me every time I hear it, comes towards the end, where Carol Burnett's character, Kate, says "I don't want to be one of two people alone in the world at the end of my life. I want to have friends."

Isn't that how we all feel? We don't want to be alone, we want to have friends...meaningful friends.

I grew up as the daughter of an Air Force officer. If you know anything about the military life, you know we moved around a lot. So, there were friends who came and went, like the seasons. And thankfully, there were other friends, who despite the years and the distance, have remained close, lifelong friends.

We all have seasons with friendships. In high school, you never imagine life without your friends that you met then. Some of us are still close with those high school friends. But more often than not, I would guess, we did not maintain most of those relationships.

College might be a different story. I would think that a lot of us maintain at least some of the friends we had in college. My husband's freshman class from Texas A&M's Corps of Cadets is one great example. More on that unit in an upcoming blog post.

Other friends we meet through church, or when we're going through similar circumstances, like mommy groups and school functions.

Our church encourages "Life Groups," which are meant to be a safe place to go deeper with friendship and truly fellowship together in faith and life.

But how do you maintain friendships when that season in time has passed? Do you even want to?

What is that special bond that brings friends together and holds them together?

I know we need to be intentional with friendships....with any relationship.

I need to be intentional, because it would be way too easy to focus just on my husband and not make an effort with outside friends.

But as the movie says, "I don't want to be one of two people alone in the world at the end of my life. I want to have friends."

Do you agree?

The Small Moments

The last few blog posts have been about blending a family together. I've talked about the positives of this, because there are so many positives that come from opening your heart and making the choice to be a family.

I will never know the feeling of being pregnant, giving birth and holding my own child in my arms for the first time. But I am blessed to have the kids I have via marriage.

I jumped in with both feet with two teenagers and I don't think I'd trade it for anything. I have a close relationship with both my kids.

My daughter was younger, and my husband had to travel a lot for his job, so she and I had to find our own way together. Our fondest memories are our afternoon movie when school got out. We'd have popcorn and hang out on the couch and watch a chick flick. Like any mother and daughter, we could get on each other's nerves on occasion. But we couldn't stand to stay angry at each other. Our "fights" lasted about 10 minutes, then one or the other would apologize for our outburst and then we'd break out the hugs and the popcorn to set our world back to rights.

My son was 17 when my husband and I married. While I knew he and I would get along and be 'friends' -- I guess I didn't expect a deep parent/child relationship with him. I expected him to only be home another year and a half as he finished high school, then he'd leave for college. He'd be too caught up in the fun of high school, girlfriends, proms and planning for college. Oh yes, let's not forget his rock 'n roll band in the garage (which had to score me some points as the coolest "stepmonster" around!) :)

Remember, he is technically my husband's step-son. He has his Dad and another step-mom that he'd go see most weekends. So, he was surrounded with parents already by the time I came along. But lo and behold, our 'mother/son' relationship did begin to develop.

We talked... we were interested in what was going on in each other's lives. And yes, I was cool because he could have the garage band -- and I always seemed to have enough food to feed the army of teenagers that invaded our house. He lived at home an extra year before he left for college. I was glad I had more time with him than I expected, all for the good. Fast forward to last month.

My son is married now, but thankfully lives about 5 miles from us. He and his wife took a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate their anniversary and her birthday. My husband and I got to babysit their dog. Yep, we have a grand-dog.

My husband and kids always had dogs. There were four of them when my husband and I were dating. We had three dogs until 2007. I never grew up with dogs, I wasn't used to them. My kids have spent all this time trying to get me attached to the dogs.

Well, when my son came over to pick up his dog, he found me in the backyard with her, playing with her. He couldn't resist teasing me about turning into a dog lover. I'm not sure I'd call myself a dog lover, but I do like his dog. And I guess it showed.

Anyway, on this particular day, we sat on my back porch, playing with the dog and just talked. We didn't talk about anything too deep or world-changing, and it wasn't for a long period of time. But it was still a sweet time. Especially because he couldn't resist teasing me about playing with the dog.

I don't think I ever want to take for granted mornings like that one. Where I can just sit with my son, talk about stuff, and end with promises of dinner with him and his wife sometime soon.

Our kids are precious. Anyone who is a parent knows this. My husband and I have held on to the idea that children belong to God... and we're only entrusted with them for a brief time. At some point, you have to let them go and have to let them grow up. But if you've used that time wisely, then you can have those special back porch moments, chatting with your adult son while playing fetch with his dog.

So, what are some of your special moments with your kids? Please feel free to share.

Second Chances

(Note from Becky: This week's post from Jude Urbanski discusses Second Chances with a second marriage. This really touched me personally. It's so timely in today's world. Thank you for sharing, Jude!)



Second Chances by Jude Urbanski
The words Isaiah 43:18-19 are inscribed inside my second wide, gold wedding band. That verse tells me to forget the former things and see the new thing the Lord is doing. In other words, I have a second chance in a second marriage.

Now, I feel I’ve been married all my life! Twenty five years the first time and almost 25 years the second time. Yes, I like to think I am a sage woman still with dreams. Our original family is never replaced, but to forge a blended-family takes a bunch of all-around courage, civility and cheers.

I happened on to a little book by Harry H. Harrison (H to the third power!) called 1001 Things Happy Couples Know About Marriage. His chapter on Second Marriages sang to me. I will paraphrase and bullet some of his words of wisdom and words of humor as well as some of mine. I laughed out loud as well as took some deep breaths when thinking of these. May it be so with you.

• Being married a second time means we are blessed to find comfort and companionship again, but that we can screw up royally the first time and get a beautiful best fit the second time.

• Any marriage is a sacrament. Even second ones. Even fourth ones. Even fifth?

• We often feel like teenagers in a second marriage, when we have teenagers.

• An emotional divorce is needed from our first spouse in order to really connect with our new spouse.

• We need to know all the kids involved may dream of their parents getting back together. So proceed slowly.

• It may take more than an overnight to fall in love with your partner’s children.

• Over time both sets of children can learn to respect and tolerate one another, but it will take time and be on their terms. I personally can attest this can happen.

• Your new spouse probably wasn’t looking for a new mother or father for the kids, but a partner and companion. In fact, my husband said these exact words.

• Whenever possible, think in terms of ‘our kids.’ Period. Not easy, but do it.

• We have found that separate personal accounts, but a joint household account, works well. We can still borrow from one another! The rich and famous do this I hear.

• Accept that step kids may like the first set of grandparents better. Normal! In reality, we should shine at this and be more than glad.

• Whatever the custodial arrangements, it is important to spend time with your own kids.

• In my opinion, joint custodial arrangements are hard to accomplish. Maybe the parents should move from house to house and not the kids.

• Think long and hard on why the first marriage failed, so this one won’t.

Whatever our story or our unique set of circumstances, we must go forth from where we are and make the best decisions we can. We know that all things can be made new; we can forget the past if needs be and see happiness ahead. Viva la Second Chances!

Jude Urbanski

Jude writes both non-fiction and fiction. Her ebooks, The Chronicles of Chanute Crossing, come out this year in print by Desert Breeze Publishing. She and husband are working on a small, non-fiction book of vignettes when he was a single father of five. They are approaching 25 years of a blended family with eight kids and 20 grands, who live from coast to coast.