I'm "normal" today!

I know the theme of this blog is the "new" normal, which is dealing with my new physical body, making decisions about reconstructive surgery, visiting doctors every three months for the next couple of years, etc., etc.

But after yesterday's post on feeling discouraged, I realized I'm "normal," at least for today - hee hee. I'm not alone in feeling discouraged or upset that I have aches and pains preventing me from exercising, or a sinus headache like no end this morning.

This past weekend, hubby and I attended a wedding and a funeral. As my aunt so aptly said: it was the circle of life. So, it's part of life to be frustrated or discouraged. It's normal today that I have a deadline for my job and am battling a sinus headache.

So, because I had cancer do I get to crawl under a rock? Nope -- one has nothing to do with the other. Which is why I'm normal today. I'll have to do what hundreds of other people have to do today -- take my medicine and plow through to complete my work. Since my boss commented on yesterday's post, I for sure better buckle down and "get 'er done!"

But I want to take a moment to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and words of encouragement. I don't know what possessed me to start this blog thing. It's difficult for me to express my feelings and put it all out there. But the comments yesterday and wonderful words have lifted my spirits, and once again, showed me how blessed I am. Y'all won't judge me forever as a negative person because I have a discouraging day. Thank you for that. Oh, for those reading me on blogger, most of my comments came via Facebook. But thank you to all for being encouragers and for your kind words and prayers.

Finally, although I'm just a normal, average person, maybe my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone. That may have been my goal in starting this, but yesterday proved that I received the blessing.

Okay-- medicine taken -- let's pray the sinus headache recedes, and onward I go to complete my work for the day. This day which is a "normal" day!

Keep on truckin' everyone! :)

Discouraged today... And parts of this are quite whiney, so forgive me in advance.

I'm generally a very positive person. Even after my mastectomy last summer and dealing with those wretched, awful drains, I tried to stay positive. I was happy that overall I had very little pain from the surgery, that I wouldn't have to go through chemotherapy (Praise God!). It seemed like we got all the cancer so now was the time to just focus on recovery.

Yes, having sarcoma of the breast changed me. No doubt about that. Now, I wanted to be very purposeful and intentional with my life. I felt God's blessings all over this entire situation. So, let's take those blessings and run!

But then there are days like today. I don't want to be whiney -- especially when overall I have it SO good! But today I am discouraged. I've been trying to exercise more, take good care of myself, really make the most of things. But it seems like nothing but roadblocks are in my way. I mean, gheez, how long does it take an immune system to build back up from surgery!!!

So, I'm finally working on an exercise program I really enjoy. I'm getting into it, really trying to focus on just feeling good. In February, I got bronchitis. Both my hubby and I were down with that one. And it was the cough that lingered and lingered. It didn't want to go away. Okay-- so we work our way through that. Then I get tendonitis in my foot. I do some more stretching and get through that. THEN -- I strain a muscle in my back. That was two weeks ago, and it still hurts! Damn exercise. Is this what happens when you try to get healthy?! This morning, I wake up with a sore throat and clogged sinuses. Whaa... poor me. I suppose overall, this is just life. So, we'll get past all of these, and I PROMISE to quit whining about it all. I hate how this sounds. Time to shut up and pray!

But along with the back and sinus issue this week, I have some swelling. Here's where the "new normal" comes in when living after cancer. Muscle strains and coughs are part of daily life. But swelling is a different story. I have swelling in my upper arm and under my arm. After a mastectomy, swelling is not good. The kicker is the swelling is on my non-cancer side! If I was swelling on the side where my sarcoma was, then we'd think lymphedema. It's something we watch for once they take your lymph nodes under your arm to check if the cancer has spread.

This is different being in my "healthy" arm. For now, hubby and I are treating the swelling like we would with the other side. My occupational therapist showed us massage we could do to keep fluid moving. We've focused on my right side (cancer side) up til now -- and now we're doing both arms. And it's helped. I've increased my water intake. I'm back to at least walking, even though exercise bites my back. My left arm originally looked about 2-inches larger than the right. Now, after only a few days of intense massage and water-drinking, it's looking better, and more even with the other arm.

We have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. I'm sure I'll feel silly, because the swelling will have gone down. But, I guess we have to double-check because of the swelling under my arm, near my breast area, near the surgical site.

So, onward we go... despite feeling discouraged. Thanks for reading through this anyway. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my whininess -- but I know the thing to do is shut up, pray, and get busy working on something -- anything -- to keep moving forward.

Overall, that's the goal -- keep moving forward. Enjoy every moment of this life I've been given. I wish there weren't discouraging days... but it's going to happen -- whether you've had cancer or not.

Onward we go...

My Cancer History

A little bit more about me and my history. I was diagnosed with breast cancer (DCIS) in June 2004. I had a lumpectomy and 7 weeks of radiation. Believe me, I did all I could to move on very quickly from that and put it behind me. I hated radiation! By week six, I was in misery, and couldn't wait to be done with the entire ordeal.

Of course, that inspired me to write about it, with the help of my husband. You can read more of our story in Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Cancer Book (released March 2009).

After that, I happily put cancer behind me. Truthfully, I felt like I "got off easy." I had fairly minor surgery, and despite how I hated radiation, I did not have to have chemo. I was still me and ready to move on with my life.

But five years later it all changed. Yes, I made it to my five-year mark. Five years and three weeks to be exact. But in July 2009, during my mammogram, the doctor said there was something there. But this one was different. I did NOT have a recurrence. Instead, I had a new cancer, in the same breast as my previous cancer. This was diagnosed as a high-grade sarcoma. It was, as the doctors like to say, "an ugly baby."

Well, this ugly baby would cost me my breasts. A double-mastectomy was in order. I was diagnosed two days before my birthday.

My emotions were all over the place. Fear, hope, faith, fear, fear, fear...
I was afraid of surgery, anesthesia, pain, recovery, what would I look like, and mostly would I die?

The internet research I did on sarcoma was frightening. I was turning 46 years old, and what I had thought was the downhill slide toward 50, suddenly became a very young 46. I wasn't ready for all of this. A possible death sentence at 46 was wrong. I was much too young!

Yet there it was in front of me. This time, I wouldn't be able to ignore my cancer, and its effect on me. This cancer was much too real.

More to come...

This blog has long been defunct. Probably because I didn't have a topic or theme for the blog. Well, maybe now I do. And it's a difficult one for me to write about. I don't want to be a public person known JUST as a cancer survivor. I'm much more than that. I don't want cancer to become my identity. However, there's so many twist and turns on this journey through cancer, that maybe I should write about it. Maybe just to not feel so alone at times. I know there are many, many other survivors out there who have walked this road. Hey, and thank God there are so many survivors!! I like that! But it's still an exclusive club that we're in. A club we never wanted to join, yet here we are. I've been here twice now. Back on this journey, and I don't want to be alone.
To clarify, I KNOW I'm never alone. As a Christian, I have my faith in God, and He definitely has been with me ALL THE WAY through this journey. No, I don't understand why I got cancer twice. But I do believe that all things are used for God's purpose. Maybe mine is just to reach out with love and with hope. Maybe I'll never know the reason, but I definitely want to focus on moving forward and not back.
This blog was originally called Rebecca's Journey. What a journey this life is! The theme of this blog is the "New Normal." The "new normal" is what happens when your life turns upside down, and this you're supposed to begin again -- with many things being the same, but your perspective, and your physical health and looks being so much different.
Everyone reacts differently to having cancer, to getting through treatment, to surviving cancer. Surviving is a word I like to focus on. However, different we may react, only a fellow cancer survivor knows what this feels like at its core. Friends and family can understand, sympathize, and care for you like never before, but sometimes you want to scream: You don't know what this feels like! But as long as those friends and family members allow you to scream, and still love you anyway, then I guess it's all right.
I've screamed at God. I didn't understand, and I certainly didn't want this. But yet I know He's been there by my side the entire time. Of that, I have no doubt. He's shaping me, molding me into someone else. It's obviously not just my physical body that's being re-shaped. And hopefully, I can take this faith, and this experience, and turn it in to something good.
For now, I just wanted to say hello. Next time, we'll go into my cancer history, so you'll learn more about the road I've been on. Maybe together, we can share and care for each other, and still be grateful to be here!