The Holiday Season

Doesn't it seem like from Thanksgiving to the end of the year, life moves at a very hectic pace?  Thanksgiving seems to sneak up on us, then all of the sudden we're in the whirlwind of the holidays.  This year, that whirlwind included an open house that we threw for 60 guests, and includes our son's (and his girlfriend's) college graduation.  Literally, there's something going on every weekend until the new year.  Plus, both my hubby and I have had pretty rotten colds.  Nothing like sinus pressure to throw you completely off your groove!

But we keep plugging away.  I'm trying to enjoy everything about Christmas and not stress over the details.  Our open house was hectic, crazy, crowded and fun! We are so blessed to have been in the DFW area for only three years and have all of these wonderful people share an afternoon and evening with us.  God is good.

I'm slowly learning that it's okay to reach out to people even when things aren't going well.  I always try to be so positive and don't want to burden folks with my problems or hurts or discouragement.  Yet this blog alone has proven to me that people want to help, to lend an ear, or even just a shoulder.  But I've also learned you need to be there in return.  Isn't that what friendship is all about?  Heck, isn't that what human kindness is all about?

So, don't stress this year. Let's keep showing that human kindness.  Enjoy every moment of the craziness, family, food, and friends! As Seals and Crofts once said: We may never pass this way again.

God's blessings for a wonderful Christmas and very happy new year! 

Thanksgiving

Be thankful in all things.  Even the tough stuff... there's usually good that comes out from the other side of the bad.

Be blessed! 

I Don't Wanna Play Anymore...maybe...

As you can tell by my infrequent posts, I'm sick of talking about cancer.  I'm sick of thinking about it...there are days I wished it never touched my life. I guess it's not uncommon to feel that.  But when cancer struck me a second time, in a much more serious and scary way, I was bound and determined to be positive about it, to make that time, as frightening and painful as it was, be worth something.  I wanted to feel renewed and have an eternal optimism for life.

All in all, yes, I'm very positive, and yes, I love life.  But there are days I just don't want to play in the cancer sandbox any more.

As my husband has to remind me periodically, I don't have cancer anymore.  It's gone.  They took it out. That's why I had a mastectomy, changed my body...and whether I acknowledge it or want to acknowledge it, it changed me.

But I'm done with that now. I'm ready to move on.  Except visits to my doctor every three months (although the reports are good!), and now a recent visit to my plastic surgeon to finally discuss reconstruction options, I'm done with this. These visits keep reminding me of this insidious disease.  Heck, looking in the mirror reminds me of this disease!  Still, I have to believe I'm done and there's more to do.

So, where do I go from here? How do I cope? I started this blog with the idea of providing encouragement, hope and a positive attitude.  But there are times when I get tired of thinking about it all. I just want to be a "normal" person again.  I guess in many ways, I have yet to adjust to my "new" normal...whatever that may be.

Of course, I could be in this frame of mind because I'm about to have a "job" change -- and 2011 is going to be totally different. I get to do what most people can never imagine doing... I get to pursue my dream full time.  I'm currently serving as vice-president for ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers...check us out at www.acfw.com), and my term ends at the end of December.  I've stepped back from most of my other volunteer things, and with the exception of a few paying contract jobs, I am free to write starting in 2011.  Whew...that's exciting, yet daunting, in a lot of ways.  I'm just hoping and praying I have the stamina and gift it takes to complete a manuscript or two!

It's weird... sometimes I feel like I cope better with things that are out of my control. Like getting cancer.  I HAD to have surgery, I had to deal with poking and proding from doctors...and yes, while it's a roller coaster ride, you know you have to go along for that ride. 

Now, things are back in my control, so to speak (as a Christian, I know God is in control)... but with my writing dreams: I have to sit my butt down in my chair every day and have my hands on the keyboard and get to work...creating and writing, even when my muse has abandoned me and the last thing I want to do is create and write.  It's then I have to remind myself that when it flows, the writing is so sweet and there's nothing else in the world I want to do.  I have to trust that God gave me this gift, so He'll use it for His purpose. Even that knowledge doesn't make it any less scary or intimidating. 

This is my chance to live the rest of my life. My cancer is gone, and by God's grace, it's gone forever!  Now is the time to follow my dreams, not procrastinate and not waste this life.  So, while I'm tired of talking cancer, maybe it's purpose is to lead me to this next phase...the "pursuing my dreams" phase.  And if my writing is fuller and deeper, and helps just one person in any part of their own life journey, then it's worth it all.

Okay, 2011 -- bring it on.  I may have to detour for more surgery, but the reconstructive kind, so that may be positive in the long run...then hopefully the writing will come, the words will hit the page.  Who knows, maybe that will be reflected through this blog as well.  Shall we continue on this journey? 

Let's go!

Keep on truckin' everyone!

The Pinking of America

It's October, and you can't help but notice there's A LOT of pink around.  I heard the expression that it's the "pinking of America."  So true.  October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Turning everything pink in October has been a very successful campaign in making folks aware of breast cancer. Unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you're aware of breast cancer.
But there's a doctor out there, Dr. Susan Love, who has partnered with Avon, to create an organization called "Army of Women."  Her goal is not just to bring awareness of breast cancer, but to actually find a cause and a cure. Then take the next step and PREVENT breast cancer all together.  She's trying to dig deeper, get studies funded, get volunteers for studies, and do whatever it takes to eradicate this disease forever.  So, while I applaud the pinking of America in October, and yes, I'm even wearing my pink rubber bracelet this month, I must applaud folks like Dr. Love and the Army of Women program even more. Awareness is one thing, a very good thing, but finding the cause, cure, and complete ERADICATION of this hideous disease would be even better.
www.armyofwomen.org

Waiting on Life

So, here I sit, one-year later.... one year of being cancer free and adjusting to my new body. But how well have I really adjusted to my new life?

After surviving a life-threatening disease, you come out of it renewed, ready to live life to the maximum. You're ready to fulfill your purpose. I wanted to awaken each day and fulfill what God's plans were for me.

And I think I'm failing at that miserably...

More often than not, I'm the queen of procrastination. My main goal in life is to be a writer. I've started three books, but have yet to finish them. I even refer to myself as a writer, however it seems I'm doing anything but that. I am very involved in ACFW, which is American Christian Fiction Writers (www.acfw.com). Being around those other writers is inspiring and makes me feel like I truly belong. Here in DFW, we have a local ACFW chapter, which is the DFW Ready Writers (waving to you all!). It's wonderful to be friends with other writers, as we all understand each other, and know that it's okay to have voices in your head! (As in, our characters are usually talking to us!). I'm blessed with all of these people.

But I feel like I'm blowing my opportunities! I'm wasting the time I've been given, and letting all my other "jobs" get in the way. Being on the board of ACFW is just an excuse not to write. I'm doing everything in and around the writing world, except for writing! I'm very frustrated with myself.

My local writing buddies: RK, MO, JO, LG, KG, and JT are terrific and inspiring. I just hope they don't give up on me as I work my way through this avoidance or procrastination... whatever it is that's stopping me these days.

Oh yeah, I'm moving this weekend...But that's just another excuse.

I said to myself I'll write after I heal from my surgery, or when I'm finished with my term on the board of ACFW, or I'll write after I get moved and settled, or I'll write after our national conference in a few weeks. It's like I'm waiting for everything to line up perfectly so I can sit down and write.

Well, life isn't going to wait on me. So, why am I waiting on life to do what I really want to do? Especially after last year -- You think I would've learned something. I should be living my life fully. Everyone should be...

Don't wait on life. It's always going to be a little messy and there will always be something that comes up and interrupts your schedule. We just need to work through that. I want to do the work that God has called me to do. So, I pray that my local writing buddies will bear with me -- that they will continue to support me and even kick my backside on occasion to keep me going.

Isn't that what friends are for?

One Year!

August 17, 2010 -- One year cancer-free. :)

Rejoicing and thanking God.

Ups and Downs

The thing about writing a blog is I'm supposed to be open and revealing with my feelings. Well, that's something that isn't always easy for me. (My hubby and kids may disagree with that!). I try to be a very positive person, and not one who complains all the time. It's rare that I show when things aren't going well. Part of "Living life after cancer" is that although you're so happy to still be here and loving life, there are feelings and emotions from the past that can back-up on you.

Right now, my husband and I are very blessed. Things are going well for us, we're buying a wonderful new home, and things are good. So, why is it during this time that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? I HATE that! I don't want anything to steal my joy right now. Life is precious. Why waste it waiting for the bad stuff to happen? I hate the cancer has brought that to me.

There are days, like one I had recently, when the feelings of what we were going through a year ago at this time hit me hard and backed-up on me. The fear that I felt came flooding in, overwhelming all the good that's in my life right now. As a Christian, I almost feel guilty about having that fear in the first place, when I firmly believe that God is in control.

On this particular day, my sweet husband could tell something was up with me, and he encouraged me to quit fighting it, and to go with the flow. Let the feelings come. If that meant breaking dishes, having a good cry, or whatever, just go with it. You know, there are days where I wish I was the drama-queen type and I would totally lose it and smash every dish in the house. But that doesn't work for me. However, talk to my husband, kids, or anyone who knows me well, you'll know that I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm frustrated, and when I'm being blessed! It is the one way I let out my emotions. When you tell me to go with the flow -- look out! That means tears will be flowing.

When hubby encouraged me to let it out this day when my fear and feelings backed up on me, I sat there and had a good cry. God and I also had a few words through all of this, and for a few days after.

Of course, my husband was right. Instead of stuffing my feelings, my tears actually washed them away. So did talking to God. I don't want fear to overwhelm my joy. It's a terrible way to live. It was time to put that fear at God's feet and just trust. Sometimes that's so difficult to do, but it's something we must learn to do.
I'm not saying I won't have difficult days in the future. I'm sure I will. I just don't want to waste my joyous days worrying about what may or may not happen down the road.

For me, that's what trusting God is all about. I may still have my ups and downs, but as long as I trust Him, and enjoy every single blessing that He gives us, then we'll get it through it. And guess what? Before you know it, you'll have many more happy days than you do the tough days.

And I like these happy days!


Keep on truckin' everyone!

Birthdays are a Blessing

I just had my birthday a couple of days ago. By habit, I almost began to dread it, and that's just because I was focused on that "number." But very, very quickly, my attitude changed. Birthdays are a blessing! I had to tell that to myself once or twice, but it sunk in. I only had to remember what it felt like a year ago.

Last year, two days before my birthday, we received my sarcoma diagnosis. Round #2 with cancer was here. I wrote in my journal "Back on the Roller Coaster." That's what battling cancer is like - a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs, thrills and scary parts, and yep, even some laughter. But it's all there. It's quite a ride.

This year on my birthday, it was difficult remembering where we were a year ago. Difficult in the sense that all those emotions are still simmering just below the surface. It was so easy to recall how we felt in 2009. We were facing such an unknown.

But it's already been a year since diagnosis. In some ways it seems like yesterday, but for the most part, it feels like a year. So much has happened. And the roller coaster ride has definitely settled down to a straight-away. Only a few dips and curves recently.

It was quite a year, birthday-to-birthday. In the long run, I'm glad to have that first year behind me. To know I'm able to keep moving forward.

Although being on the cancer roller coaster has changed me (how could it not!), I still feel like me. Yes, there are physical changes because of the surgery, but I have to laugh today because my biggest complaint is my weight! Gee, that doesn't sound any different than most of the women I know. So, I'm changed, yet I'm "normal."

My sweet husband was looking at me last (really looking), and he said "I don't know why we were so worried about this." (This indicating my chest). He stated that my surgery didn't make any difference. He said "you're still here -- and you're still you."

So, bring on the birthdays -- bring on the blessings of every day. A few more scars don't make a difference in my every day life -- heck, I hope they make me even stronger. I'm a survivor.

God is good and Birthdays are a blessing.

Keep on Truckin' everyone...